I'm sad tonight. Sometimes it feels like you try so hard. You work. You sweat. You pray. But it doesn't work out the way that you'd have liked it to. That's when I realize once again, that although I have done what I could, as have others, God is the One who is in control. It isn't that I'm a control freak and need to be corrected, it's just the best way to remember to look at things. It matters that we mortals try. But it is God who makes it all happen--or not.

And if not, then somehow there is something else. Something better than a mere mortal could have contemplated w/in my limited human experience. This is surely to be the case as has always been the case throughout human history. Knowing this, I understand that I should be happy. But forgive me, today I find distressing. Earlier, I was more than distressed, I was disturbed. Being at Mass has been quite helpful. It was the most powerful message about prayer that I have heard in a long time. Interestingly, I think it was not a message delivered in a speech of motivation, really. I think it was more of a profile of a saint. I don't even recall her name, mostly because I was in no frame of mind to care about anything but running to God and climbing into His lap and crying in His arms.

Father Matt spoke of many types of prayer. He explained just a bit about the different ways that one can pray. It wasn't deep, but for me, there was a deeper meaning that gripped me than would have in a detailed lesson on prayer. It was enough to sooth my soul to some degree. And it was as if God was holding me closer than I expected Him to. And then I wondered about how I had come to a place where I had not expected His love to engulf me, when I had run to Him unreservedly.

Somehow, I had gotten away from my deeply personal and interactive prayer life. I have continued to pray, but with being so busy and knowing how much responsibility I have and going forward with trying to do my best to get us through a rough time, I have prayed less and I have prayed differently. Lately I have prayed to make sure that I have prayed. It used to be that I had prayed because I had something to say to my Father God and I was open to hear what He had to say to me. The thing is, I still hear Him. Just as He spoke to me today at church. Like a good parent, He saw me stumble and He assisted me right away so that I can go forward again, but now strengthened as a child is with the encouragement from her parent.

This post can apply to any situation; but for the record, my feelings were brought on due to watching the Notre Dame commencement proceedings with a president who advances an extreme anti-life agenda receiving an honor in law there and then giving the commencement speech. Ironically, pro-life believers in Christ were arrested on the same campus. Additionally, when someone spoke out for life during his speech, Catholics chanted against the sole pro-life voice  and the person was removed from the ceremony.

Today is a historic day. For Catholics. For America. Not for what was seen today at Notre Dame. But for what will be seen tomorrow because of what happened at Notre Dame today. That will be a very different matter. Today and Notre Dame is ground zero. A spiritual battle has begun. We are the soldiers of the light. God is in control.

I wrote an article entitled "Notre Dame: Scandal! and growing Catholic outrage" which is well done. Of course, I anticipated that the secularists would have something negative to say. After all, I am writing to support Catholicism, which is a target for anti-religious zealots who wish to sin without any criticism from Christians. It doesn't take long for them to post their comments which are designed to shut me up and make me feel embarrassed about my religion.

Well, I'm not embarrassed about being a Catholic, and I am proud of my answer back to my critics so I'm recording it here since it is so important. I don't know that readers will read my comment, which is so far down the article page but people really need to understand the issue on child sexual abuse. Consequently, it bears repeating here.

This blog is a recounting of some slice of life happening day to day in my life. The portion of my life that I wish to share today is my comment in response to those who attack my Catholic faith based on child sexual abuse. What these people write has nothing to do with understanding in a realistic and is not based in fact. They wish to discredit Catholicism and mock Christians. They wish us to go away if we will not relent and accept as a part of our religion their liberal agenda and anti-life secular belief system. I am posting here my answer to their objections to Catholic believers who do not agree with Notre Dame and other Catholic Universities giving a speaking platform and honorary degrees to politicians who are boldly and unashamedly anti-life. http://www.examiner.com/x-4317-Denver-Roman-Catholic-Examiner~y2009m5d9-Notre-Dame-Scandal-and-growing-Catholic-outrage (the link doesn't work)

Here are two of the lame attacks:

By TheOne: "Maybe instead of getting all indignant over the President having the right to have his own opinion, just maybe they should lobby the Vatican for an 11th commandment! "Priests shall not Molest our Children", Then they just might, for once, be doing something useful! The Church is supposed to be here to give Guidance when asked, not tell people how to run their lives. When the Abortion Clinics have no Catholics going to them, then they can point their finger and talk about what other people do. They might try Turning in, instead or relocating Priests that they know have molested children and covering up for them, while they're at it too!"

By Seriously: "SERIOUSLY - Catholic=HYPOCRITE

Stop your priest from molesting young boys. Stop your ridiculous policy on birth control that leads to the abandoning of children in third world countries, stop your moral judgment over others while your history shows you to be the force behind countless deaths.

But really, start with the molesting of young boys. Once you have that under control, lets have a public debate on morality - once you have proven that you actually have some..."

Here is my slam:

Child sexual abuse is a human problem, not a Catholic principle or dogma. The Catholic Church has addressed this issue within our ranks, with the US Conference of Catholic Bishops participating in identifying those who harmed children and leveling consequences.

Charol Shakeshaft, the Hofstra University scholar who prepared a draft report commissioned by the U.S. Department of Education in 2000, stated regarding teacher-student sex, "roughly 290,000 students experienced some sort of physical sexual abuse by a school employee from a single decade—1991-2000. That compares with about five decades of cases of abusive priests." As of yet, I haven't seen people rush to attack educators on grounds that they are child abusers.

The American Religious Identification Survey that was published in March 2009, following over 220,000 interviews and 3 surveys, displays a table on page 5 showing that only 25% of the adult US population religiously identifies as Catholic. If we were to postulate that 25% of the adults guilty of child sexual abuse in schools is Catholic, that would result in 75% being non-Catholic.

Researcher and historian Philip Jenkins claims that the Roman Catholic Church is being unfairly singled out by a secular media which he claims fails to highlight similar sexual accusations in other religious groups, such as the Anglican Communion, Islam and Judaism, and various Protestant churches, communities. Jenkins later authored the book The New Anti-Catholicism: The Last Acceptable Prejudice in 2003, touching on some of the same issues.[48] Similar experiences are described in e.g. scouting sex abuse cases and Jehovah's Witnesses and child sex abuse. (Wikipedia)

Furthermore, statistics consistently find that more girls are sexually abused than boys, and the past scandal regarding Catholic priests rightly accused them of molesting boys. 30-40% of child sexual abuse is found to have come from family members and some 40% is the result of other children who are older or bigger than the victims.

Seriously, one of the best things we can do for our society is stop watching and believing the left-wing secular bias on the nightly news and educate ourselves.

It takes about 15 minutes to get from my home to an online school where my children are able to have an education without too much liberal view interjected throughout the day. After dropping them off, I had to get to the nearby store and get lunches for them, since time did not allow me to do that the day before. There was only one cashier, who was tied up with a customer. I had to take my purchase to a self-serve cashier without any customer service skills. The dumb thing couldn't help me because it didn't recognize my phone number, and I had lost the card for this store a long time ago. It let me know that a real person had been notified that I needed help. I looked around for who that could possibly be. There was a customer service person just a couple of feet away, but she was chatting. Then she went away.

Not one to just wait around, I tried to get my wired and metal cashier to do it's job. I pushed it's buttons, let me tell you. I had an appointment with government watchers in about an hour, but my kids needed to get their lunches before I could even head over there. Once again I was informed that I was a difficult customer and had been reported to a customer service representative. As I write this, I realize that I really don't recall being told that anybody was actually going to help me. But anyway, I looked over at that chatty woman who looked back at me that time. Since she didn't approach me to help me, I told her about the money taker's attitude problem.

After being bothered to have to walk a couple of feet, the human instructed me to pay for my purchase with my card as if the problem was with me. I told her that I had put my phone number in but I wasn't getting the discount. She went back over to her booth and looked at the screen. Having been communicated with, she came back to me and handed me a new card, telling me I needed to update information on the form and submit it to the store. I didn't have time for that, but the good news is the new card worked right away.

I brought the quickest thing, Lunchables, to my kids and departed immediately. I drove home, parked my car, took my dog to potty outside, gathered my paperwork, and proceeded to walk over to the building that I was required to go to if I expected to continue to receive food assistance for my family. We hadn't had food stamps for 2 months, and I had received a frightening letter stating that we had been terminated. I had already spoken with a customer service representative about that.

I couldn't believe that I had been terminated when I don't even have an income. The rep checked on things and let me know that I could disregard the termination letter because an approval had gone through for my family. She said I had to go through the Colorado work registration appointment that was scheduled for me. I've been through this process before several years ago.

The government wants to watch your job search. But it is a much improved way to do things. The other time that I had to go through this, I was actually required to perform at leaset 30 hours of weekly community service; and I submitted a complaint over it. How could I look for work when they were tying me up all day with community service! I have nothing against serving my community. I do that regularly, whether organized within an agency, or on my own as I see a need. Maybe my complaint helped affect this positive change.

And so I was there at 9:08 for my 9:15 appointment. I spoke with the receptionist who informed me where it was, but that they weren't going to let me in; because they had already started, and I was late. I didn't let her words stop me, I explained that I was going to go speak with somebody there. I walked through the building to greet a closed door with the words of the program and an additional sign that said something like do not disturb, class in session. I knocked and tried the locked door.

A woman opened the door and told me that I could not come in and I was late. I tried to show her my paperwork, stating that my appointment was at 9:15. She said that the class had started at 8:45 and I would need to return next Tuesday. I asked why my paperwork has the wrong time on it and made it clear that I needed to be there and didn't need any problems over this. She assured me that I could come back next week, no problem. She said that some people know what time they start and some of them don't. Nice. I repeated her information to be sure of things. "Okay, next Tuesday at 8:45." She corrected me on the time. "12:45," Then the Employment First counselor wrote the rescheduled appointment on my paperwork.

In looking over the accompanying documentation, I also have paperwork stating that my information "must" be returned by 5-11-09. Oh brother. My appointment is on the 12th. So that'll be about a half hour on the phone trying to reach somebody and explain things. It may also include going down to the human service building to submit documentation of their error. Inconvenience, yes, but I can tell that this is one of the few, less problematic issues involving mis-communication and lack of accurate information within the system. Thank God. 

Fox News was on when my daughter and her boyfriend, Al, came by this evening. Al took an interest right away in what was being shown in a compilation of gaffs by the one temporarily living in the White House. From that piece by Sean Hannity, Al began some sparring with me and found me to be a worthy contender. It was clear that he was intent on showing me the error of my faith-without-reasoned ways. Problem is my faith is not without reason. Heh.

A couple of the highlights are here. Al commented that conservatives had complained when people said negative things about President Bush. My response was that since it did happen to our last President, why shouldn't it be the new guy's turn.

He then said that Sean Hannity should lead the republican party or be their voice or something. I said that he was good as a speaker but that he would not be the right person to run in a presidential election. We chatted about that for a minute.

We then traded views on Fox News. He didn't like just the conservative view and felt that Colms was a poor liberal representative when they had him on. He said Rupert Murdock gives the reporters talking points, and has a great deal of money. I said Murdock is a powerful person, but that he doesn't do enough because the nightly news on the other networks don't have a good competitive news program.

He also said that they lie on Fox News but he could not give me any examples. Later in the conversation, Al recalled something about the lying being exposed in the tea party on MSNBC which I will check out as promised. He also wants me to watch Out Fox, which I said I would. These suggestions followed my suggestion for him to dig for sources on the internet rather than accept whatever the reporters are saying.

Al expressed frustration about Fox News being biased. I told him that it was important that Fox News exists, along with conservative talk radio. He asked why it was important. I said we need a balance and pointed out that it was interesting that he didn't like Fox to have a bias but how many other news networks have the opposite bias. I told him that for years the other networks had the stage to indoctrinate viewers along with the public education system.

It went on for a good while and we both were civil about it. He did make a point about my speaking in terms of "us" and "them" with regard to liberals and conservatives. I have never spoke in that way since being educated; but unfortunately, the left is not open to fairness.

He had asserted that liberals believe one thing, and conservatives believe differently correctly. I pointed that out to him, and I told him that he is the only liberal I have ever heard say that. I fully explained to Al that secularism is a belief system and that those on the left have an agenda and have been able to brainwash students because of not having another view presented.I stated very firmly that we are done with freedom of speech applying only to those with politically correct views, and that we are going to take our country back.

There was more, but you get the idea. I had a good sparring session today. Thank you, Lord, for letting me serve You in such an important way. I will pray for Al more. He claims to only want the truth. He got that today.

You get the idea. It was spirited and fun to spar with him because he actually had to listen to me, not just post an offensive, insulting comment after one of my articles and run.

Another day, another dollar. Really.

At the present time, I am unemployed. I am looking for work, but there are several factors that are causing me problems in finding gainful employment. A few follow--

For one thing, I don't have many skills. Except in raising children, writing, using common sense, thinking on my feet, and standing up for those who need an advocate.  That all fits in very nicely with non-profit jobs. The problem is the non-profits that pay are those waging a war against conservative principles. That's out.

I don't have much experience in what is offered in office work. Good grief, the tasks listed for receptionists these days amount to being a secretary or an administrative assistant, with the pay of a Dollar Store cashier. Kids coming out of high school have a better shot at getting a decent-paying job than I do, since they have all the computer skills.

A lot of "available positions" turn out to be information-gathering outfits. I think that is how the bill collectors got my phone number. When I know of something being a scam, I will sometimes flag the post to save others who may be desperate for work unnecessary grief and wasted time.

I've even applied for temporary work, but nothing happens. They say that you either have to arrive around 5 or 6 am to be considered for labor jobs, or I have to call each day for something in an office. That's nuts. Why can't they just call you if they get something, instead of expecting you to sit around? I'm busy. I have to get my kids in school at 7:30. I feel my time is better spent hunting elsewhere than sitting and waiting. Maybe I'm wrong.

But I am a risk-taker. Even as a single parent, I do take chances that turn out good for awhile, and serve the purpose of allowing me to provide for my family. I'll give you an example. Today I spoke with my next door neighbor's son. He has the legal authority to make decisions for his mother. I had already investigated home health care positions. In doing so, I discovered that that job could be done by a client's choice in a person willing to perform in that role. This guy was waiting for me to get him the phone number. I found several and I gave him those phone numbers to speak with somebody regarding (edited per Eric) a home health care independent contractor position of sorts.

My neighbor is supposed to finally be released from yet another medical facility in about 20 days. Normally, she gets care in her home by some home health care company who pays their personal care person $8/hr. I told him that I want to take care of Linda full time as an independent person under this (edited per Eric) program and make a decent wage. His mother really likes me, and I have been helping her as a friend, as a good Samaritan, as a neighbor. Her son knows that I have taken good care of her and treated her with respect. He has no doubt that I genuinely care about the woman.  So it just may happen. May God honor my efforts. It would be perfect to work right next door to my home. It solves the child care issues. That is my biggest problem.

In the meantime, let me go check it...$1.33. That's how much I made with my writing today for Examiner.com. It's not a great article, but that's because it's the first of 3 or 4 in a series I am creating on The Catholic Identity Crisis. All together, my project will be awesome. Anyway, I made my first point. I identified the problem.

I would really appreciate it if conservatives from our Townhall.com site would help me out with that project. I just need comments to compile and investigate and tabulate, in order to write the truth about what is actually going on in America. My column is in national news media, so you know what I get--comments that attack the traditional Christian point of view. I need a healthy balance. And I'd really appreciate your voice. Here's that article: http://www.examiner.com/x-4317-Denver-Roman-Catholic-Examiner~y2009m5d4-Identifying-the-Catholic-identity-crisis

I bet you thought I made a lot more money than that, huh?

I received a phone call this morning from my 24-year-old daughter, who lives and studies in Michigan. She asked if I was home, and I told her that I was. The next thing I heard her say was, "Knock, knock." I was so thrilled to see her again after 2 years. I ran out to greet her as she approached our home, stumbling over her excited, animated siblings who were surrounding me; and I couldn't help but think that we looked like the keystone cops all bumping into one another in an effort to rush to hug her.

We traded a few little stories, and funny happenings, and what our lives were about at the present time. All of the kids worked together creating characters for Kristin and her boyfriend on our American Idol music game. Some of us sang with our Sing Star games "Legends" and "80s".  Our reunion could have been uncomfortable and short, because my daughter and I do not see things the same way. I admit it, I love a liberal. I don't know when this change in her happened; or most likely it didn't happen all at once, but grew from mere doubts in her faith to full-blown error in her thinking.

Last year when I went on about the upcoming election; and in particular when I had insightful, significant things to say about the democratic candidate, she did not respond. My suspicions about her taking a left turn proved correct when she gave me a straight answer, about 3 months ago, regarding who she voted for and why. Bless her heart, she's just ignorant. She has no idea she's been duped.

The responsibility to maintain our relationship, despite opposing political views, lies with me. I know more about the misleading, misinforming media, the doublespeak that comes out of a politicians mouth, how far our country has come, what rights have been taken from US citizens, and which ones are currently being threatened. And--I view Youtube. She watches Saturday Night Live. Yes, okay; I also learn a lot from conservative talk radio and Fox News, and by digging for direct, credible sources to read on the internet.

We were all just at church together. The homily was excellent. "Jesus is our shepherd. He accepts you just as you are. But He loves you too much to let you stay that way." How about that? Father Kevin Augustine from the University of Colorado in Boulder had also burst into my life scene today as a visitor. Thank God for good men like him who are on our college campuses to be a light in the engulfing darkness. His message fits so perfectly with what I am in my daughter's life.  I am  my daughter's shepherd. Jesus, is my example. He would not beat up on the sheep to try to get them to where He wants them to be. He would lay down His life for them. In fact, He did. So I will continue to love her with my whole heart. And in my loving her, I will creatively and relentlessly remind her of her Catholic faith and our Christian principles. And with my example and conversation, I will continuously show her that our in living our faith, our responsibilities must extend into the political realm.

Seeing my baby was just like a blast from the past, looking at myself, except that my daughter is drop-dead gorgeous. In being with Kristin today, I recalled how giddy and youthful I was at her age. How uninformed and how gullible I was. How naive and innocent I was. How insecure I was. Although I didn't know it at the time. I also remembered just how liberal-minded I was. Being the substance of open-mindedness, compassion, and inexperience makes one fertile ground for liars to plant their delusive seeds in. As she is today, I was yesterday. Duped. But I learned as I experienced life. And I grew up. Today I am proud of who I am, and I have a mature confidence in knowing that what I believe is correct. Of course, the truth is the right thing to believe in. Kristin just doesn't know what the truth is yet.

When it all comes down to it, today was an awesome day. I am privileged to be able to see how far my daughter has come in her young life, and I can also see where life will take her in the future. Like me, she is smart. I am no longer afraid for her outcome in life or for the fate of her children when she experiences the joys and sorrows of motherhood. Besides, she has an advantage that I didn't have--I am her mother. Physically, my baby came home today. Tomorrow will bring back her faith in a solid, unshakable way, along with her common sense. Hey, look at me.

This is an example of some of that creative teaching I was talking about: http://www.examiner.com/x-4317-Denver-Roman-Catholic-Examiner~y2009m5d1-Having-fun-with-the-swine-flu-name-game

My daughter, being told to help clean up, suddenly remembered that we had an invitation to go to a community outreach that was being put on by a church called Victory Outreach. Since we are having a financial hardship right now, and because I always try to take my children to free events and activities, I informed my kids that they needed to clean up around the livingroom for about 15 minutes and then we'd go. The 15 minutes was actually time I was trying to use to hot roll my hair, put on a little bit of makeup and check myself out in the mirror. Yep, still ugly. I'm not sure why that surprised me.

With all the cheering and excitement, my children had only picked up a couple of things that they had strewn about by the time I was ready to go. But, alas, they weren't ready to go. I had them get their hair brushed, shoes and socks and coats on. Yes, May 2nd of the global warming year 2009 was too cold to go without winter jackets for an outside event in Denver Colorado. While they managed to get that done for about 10 more minutes during sibling rivalry shenanigans, I took care of a couple of things for them, putting cups in the kitchen, yelling at them to "stop it!" And then I stood in the doorway waiting for readied children to eventually make their way over to exit our home.

We actually had easy directions somewhere for a change. In Colorado, good directions are hard to come by. It seems that most people like to use a 7-11 as a destination marker, yet there are 7-11s everywhere you look. We arrived at 4:30. This thing was supposed to go from 4 to 8 pm, meaning that we weren't late. Not being late is a big plus for us, even if technically we were half an hour late had we tried to be there upon the opening and not miss anything.

There were only a handful of people there, it had begun to sprinkle, and it didn't look like much was happening. A couple of the members of the church greeted us and then resumed chatting with others. We made our way into the building but were asked if there was something that they could help us with--meaning that we had invaded territory. I let them know that I had an invitation to come to the "block party".

Donny said that it was postponed until next Saturday because of the weather. He was getting the bbq grill going and said that if we wanted to eat, we could stick around, so we sat on chairs right in front of the building and I honestly felt like a beggar. Mostly because nobody was talking to us. I tried to chit-chat with several people but it just wasn't happening. It didn't feel right to leave because my children had been hoping to go and participate in activities, and eat something. We ate the free food. I'm a mom.

Then it happened that Donny's wife, Nicole, arrived and had cordial social skills, but she left after brief introductions. There were no drinks but Nicole said to wait and she'd be back with them. We waited for about 20 minutes for her to return, but I couldn't take the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that we were being seen as outsiders and beggars any longer. We said our thank yous and our good-byes and then we all went home.